MY HEART’S PANG

SEPTEMBER 16, 2007

10:10 PM

            This Sunday Worship Service was a Harris Memorial Sunday. Maam Arlene Cacho was the speaker. She told us the history of every Deaconess’ Alma Mater.

            I am amazed at every servant leaders who committed their life for the Lord. Who passionately reached out for the people who hungers and needs Jesus Christ.

            As we stood at the altar after Maam Arlene’s speech to sing their Alma Mater song, my heart just sank and my eyes got blurred. Tears were forming in my eyes. I can’t help but to remember the lives of every servant leaders who made a difference in this world and will continue to make a difference, who committed their life to God and His people. I think about the story on how Jesus asked a piercing question to Peter.

          John 21:15-19

English Standard Version (ESV)

 Jesus and Peter

 ¹⁵ When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” ¹⁶ He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” ¹⁷ He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. ¹⁸Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”

            As I ponder and meditate on this Scripture, I asked myself “do I really love Jesus Christ?” all I could give was a silent cry. I know deep in my heart and Jesus knows that I do love Him… But... (Why is it that there is a but..?) Why could I not wholly, entirely, surrender and commit my life to Him?

            I love Jesus Christ, I know, He knows I do. That’s why I am in His church, to serve Him, His people, His children... it gives joy in my heart to serve Him, because I love Him... and yet… somehow.. I know... that it is not enough.

            I still could not commit myself to Him... to a higher calling. I do have struggles in this. Maybe that’s why... it is piercing... it made me cry...knowing that God is calling me and yet, I could not say Yes Lord! Why is it so hard to say “YES LORD, I’LL OBEY! YES LORD, I WILL GO! YES LORD, I WILL FOLLOW YOU!”

            If God is not calling me… I am not chosen.

            The price is too high...

            Could I be crying out for more but could not hear Him say “Come child, follow me”?

            Still…

            I do believe, one day when my heart is really ready, when there would be more doubts and questions, when I could easily lay down all I have, to follow Jesus… then I would go... I would trust and obey to a higher calling.

            But, as of now… I would still be praising and serving Him in this ministry He has graciously given- the youth ministry. I am weak and yet He continues to use me.

You know that I love You, Lord Jesus Christ.

I pray thee that Your love would be greater than all of these...

When I am weak

You are strong

When I am confused

You are full of wisdom

When I am sorrowful

You are my song

When I am lost

You are my light

When I am poor

You are rich

When I am alone

You are by my side

When I am angry

You are my peace

When I am burdensome

You lift me up

When I can’t go on

You give me grace

I am a sinner

But You loved me

I am unworthy

But You died for me

I am despised

But you open up Your arms

I am lowly

But You were lifted up high on the cross

I am filthy

But You hold me so tight

Who am I O Lord

That you would give such love

Such love I shouldn't have