MY HEART’S PANG

SEPTEMBER 16, 2007

10:10 PM

            This Sunday Worship Service was a Harris Memorial Sunday. Maam Arlene Cacho was the speaker. She told us the history of every Deaconess’ Alma Mater.

            I am amazed at every servant leaders who committed their life for the Lord. Who passionately reached out for the people who hungers and needs Jesus Christ.

            As we stood at the altar after Maam Arlene’s speech to sing their Alma Mater song, my heart just sank and my eyes got blurred. Tears were forming in my eyes. I can’t help but to remember the lives of every servant leaders who made a difference in this world and will continue to make a difference, who committed their life to God and His people. I think about the story on how Jesus asked a piercing question to Peter.

          John 21:15-19

English Standard Version (ESV)

 Jesus and Peter

 ¹⁵ When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” ¹⁶ He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” ¹⁷ He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. ¹⁸Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” ¹⁹ (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me.”

            As I ponder and meditate on this Scripture, I asked myself “do I really love Jesus Christ?” all I could give was a silent cry. I know deep in my heart and Jesus knows that I do love Him… But... (Why is it that there is a but..?) Why could I not wholly, entirely, surrender and commit my life to Him?

            I love Jesus Christ, I know, He knows I do. That’s why I am in His church, to serve Him, His people, His children... it gives joy in my heart to serve Him, because I love Him... and yet… somehow.. I know... that it is not enough.

            I still could not commit myself to Him... to a higher calling. I do have struggles in this. Maybe that’s why... it is piercing... it made me cry...knowing that God is calling me and yet, I could not say Yes Lord! Why is it so hard to say “YES LORD, I’LL OBEY! YES LORD, I WILL GO! YES LORD, I WILL FOLLOW YOU!”

            If God is not calling me… I am not chosen.

            The price is too high...

            Could I be crying out for more but could not hear Him say “Come child, follow me”?

            Still…

            I do believe, one day when my heart is really ready, when there would be more doubts and questions, when I could easily lay down all I have, to follow Jesus… then I would go... I would trust and obey to a higher calling.

            But, as of now… I would still be praising and serving Him in this ministry He has graciously given- the youth ministry. I am weak and yet He continues to use me.

You know that I love You, Lord Jesus Christ.

I pray thee that Your love would be greater than all of these...

When I am weak

You are strong

When I am confused

You are full of wisdom

When I am sorrowful

You are my song

When I am lost

You are my light

When I am poor

You are rich

When I am alone

You are by my side

When I am angry

You are my peace

When I am burdensome

You lift me up

When I can’t go on

You give me grace

I am a sinner

But You loved me

I am unworthy

But You died for me

I am despised

But you open up Your arms

I am lowly

But You were lifted up high on the cross

I am filthy

But You hold me so tight

Who am I O Lord

That you would give such love

Such love I shouldn't have

THE SHEPHERD'S STAFF

SEPTEMBER 10, 2007

5:15PM

            Just this morning, I ended up reading the “Shepherd’s Staff” (it was a gift to my papang by the World MAP dated November 12, 2003); I just borrowed this from him (I don’t know at first why I have that desire to read this book-never thought that this would helped me a lot in my faith) and tried to read it. It has a wonderful verse on the front page:

“THE GRASS WITHERS, THE FLOWER FADES, BUT THE WORD OF OUR GOD STANDS FOREVER” ISAIAH 40:8

            As I flipped its pages, I was brought to the “HOW TO TRAIN CHURCH LEADERS” page. Didn’t intend it to be there, I didn’t even know that such article is included in the book. So, with the promptings of the Holy Spirit (I believed), I read it, and as I was reading it, young leaders at our church came on my mind.

            I thought about them, their/our struggles, our problems, our burdens, the past that can’t seem to end.

            We have these feelings of unworthiness because of our weaknesses, and one of the reasons of quitting the call of leadership in our church.

            The Word says

Isaiah 40:29

English Standard Version (ESV)

²⁹ He gives power to the faint, 
   and to him who has no might he increases strength.

1 Corinthians 1:27-28

English Standard Version (ESV)

²⁷ But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; ²⁸ God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,

            I remember our weaknesses... but GOD USES THE WEAK TO SHAME THE STRONG.

GOD’S WEAKNESS IS STRONGER THAN MEN

GOD’S FOOLISHNESS IS WISER THAN MEN

            In God’s amazing grace- HE HAS CHOSEN THE WEAK TO DESPISE THE IGNORANT, THE UNWORTHY FOR HIS KINGDOM.

            God, put this desire to share this beautiful message of God to His children, the young leaders in our church... I hope and pray that God will use me to strengthen my brothers and sisters’ faith. I hope and pray to watch their faith grow in times of trials and sufferings.

“Thank you Lord Jesus,

 I’m more than amazed on what You have done in my life.

Day by day, You shower Your grace, mercy and love to someone like me

Continue to use me Oh Lord

It is my desire to honor You

My Lord and my God”

Songs of Heart

September 01, 2007

You Are / You Are Lord

Hillsong

You are my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? 
You are the strength of all my days, of whom shall I be afraid? 
Though war may rise against me, of this will I be sure 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/h/hillsong/you+are+you+are+lord_20807986.html ] 
That I will bless the Lord forever, I'll bless Your holy Name 
Yes, I will bless the Lord forever, I'll bless Your holy Name 

Lord, it is You I desire, it's You that I seek 
To live with You in Your house forever, beholding Your beauty 
And In the time of trouble, of this will I be sure 

You ask me who do I say that You are 
And I say that you are the Christ, Son of the living God

I’LL STILL BE PRAISING YOU

When the road seems so unclear

When I’ve lost what I hold dear

When it’s hard to understand

All Your holiness demands

When the wait seems much too long

When Your answer seems to wrong

When the price seems far too high

To walk by faith and not by sight

Lord I’ll be praising You

Lord I’ll be praising You

When the wall refuse to fall

And the mountain seems too tall

Lord I’ll be praising YOU

Oh, Lord I’ll still be praising You

I CAST ALL MY CARES UPON YOU…

“You know everything Lord…” JOHN  21:17

I lay them down

And at Your feet I bow

And magnify Your Holy Name

For You are greater than

All my sins and shames

Oh Lord You have cleansed me

And made me pure in heart and thoughts

Thank You for Your love

For saving me and forgiving me

May we love, just as You loved

May we forgive, just as You forgave

BOTHERING BURDEN

AUGUST 27, 2007

            The PCD EXECOM is in great pain, burdened, troubled, concerned. My heart just sank as I read the very words of our own local church youth fellowship. Some words are really striking and offensive in some parts.

            I am dumbfounded, asking what happened.

            Our fellowship, as we see, is going well, we laugh together, joked together, sing together. But just last night, it’s as if, all fell down.

            We are deeply hurt by those words.

            I am trying to be patient, to analyze the situation. I know we knew in our part that we are part to blame, our mistakes, our decisions, our actions was some what questioned. We have the responsibility in many ways. But the thought of losing our oneness with our fellow youths bothered me.

            It grieves my heart to think that those actions would give or bring divisions in our fellowship. It grieves my heart to see what is happening within us, with each other. It grieves my heart to see and hear harsh words towards each other. It grieves my heart knowing that we have hurt each other.

            But I continually seek God as my counselor. I am trying to be still and listen, comforting and standing firm. I pray to God to bind us together again, to not let this misunderstanding an instrument of the enemy to tear us down.

Ephesians 4:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

Unity in the Body of Christ

 ¹ I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. ⁷ But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift.

Ephesians 4:15-16

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁵ Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, ¹⁶ from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

Ephesians 4:31-32

English Standard Version (ESV)

³¹ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all

malice. ³² Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

            We just need to remember that our service is not for men but to God alone… to grow in the knowledge of God.

Romans 8:31

English Standard Version (ESV)

God's Everlasting Love

 ³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be^[a] against us?

Have faith

            Have trust

                        Have love

                                    Have patience

                                                Have understanding…

WAITING

Psalm 40:1

New International Version (NIV)

 ¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;     he turned to me and heard my cry.

The test of our willingness to wait patiently for the Lord come almost daily for most of us, I suppose. Probably I am among the Lord’s most impatient servants, so the lesson has to be reviewed again and again…

Psalm 27:14

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD; 
   be strong and take heart 
   and wait for the LORD.

Waiting requires patience- a willingness calmly to accept what we have or have not, where we are or where we wish we were, whomever we live or work with.

To what we don’t have is impatience, for one thing, and it is to mistrust God. Is He not complete control of all circumstances, events and conditions? If some are beyond His control, He is not God.

A spirit of resistance cannot wait on God. I believe it is this spirit which is the reason for some of our greatest sufferings. Opposing the workings of the Lord and in though our “problems” only exacerbates them. It is here and now that we must win our victories of suffers defeats.  Spiritual victories are won in the quiet acceptance of ordinary events which are God’s “bright servants”, standing all around us.

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell

outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has ALL

THINGS SAFELY IN HIS HANDS.

John 14:27

English Standard Version (ESV)

²⁷ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.
 

What sort of peace has He to give us? A peace which was constant in the midst of ceaseless work (with few visible results), frequent interruptions, impatient demands, few physical comforts, a peace which was not destroyed by the arguments, the faithlessness, and hatred of the people. Jesus had perfect confidence in His Father, whose will He had come to accomplish. Nothing touched Him without His Father’s permission. Can I not then wait patiently? He will show the way.

If I am willing to be still in my Master’s hand, can I not then be still in everything? HE’S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS! Never mind whether things come from God Himself or from people- everything comes by His ordination and permission. If I mean to be obedient and submissive to the Lord because He is my Lord, I must not forget whatever He allows to happen becomes, for me, His will at the moment. Perhaps it is someone else’s sinful action, but if God allows it to affect me, He wills it for my learning. The need to wait is, for me, a form of chastening. God has to calm me down, make me shut up and look to Him, for the outcome.

His message to me everyday is

Wait, be still, trust and obey.

WAIT PATIENTLY BEFORE THE LORD. He will turn to you and hear your cry. It is amazing 

how clear things become when we are still before Him, not complaining, not insisting on quick 

answers, only seeking to hear His word in the stillness, and to see things in His light. Few are 

willing to receive that sort of reply. “Too simplistic” is the objection.

-ELISABETH ELLIOT

(Keep a Quiet Heart)

WHILE I'M WAITING

(John Waller)

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am hopeful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it is painful 

But patiently, I will wait 

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Taking every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait 

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am peaceful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it's not easy 

But faithfully, I will wait 

Yes, I will wait 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve You while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting 

I will serve you while I'm waiting 

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

BE HONEST WITH GOD

Since God knows our thoughts even before we think them, isn't it absurd of us to hesitate to tell Him the straight truth about ourselves? When we feel we ought to try to cover our spiritual nakedness it is good for us to open up 

Psalm 139: "O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.... You perceive my thoughts from afar.... You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.... You created my inmost being" (Psalm 139:1-4,13, NIV). 

There are times when I hesitate even to pray, knowing how far short I fall from God's standard. 

George MacDonald writes: 

"If I felt my heart as hard as a stone; if I did not love God, or man, or woman, or little child, I would yet say to God in my heart, 'O God, see how I trust Thee, because Thou art perfect, and not changeable like me. I do not love Thee. I love nobody. I am not even sorry for it. Thou seest how much I need Thee to come close to me, to put Thy arm round me, to say to me, MY CHILD: for the worse my state, the greater my need of my Father who loves me. Come to me, and my day will dawn; my love will come back, and, oh! how I shall love Thee, my God! and know that my love is Thy love, my blessedness Thy being.'" 

We may pray the prayer that closes Psalm 139: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV). 

"Be persuaded, timid soul," writes Archbishop Fenelon, in his SPIRITUAL LETTERS TO WOMEN, "that He has loved you too much to cease loving you."

Author: Elisabeth Elliot

Source: Keep A Quiet Heart
Scripture Reference: Psalm 139