May 31, 2010
I’m
having a hard time Lord.
When
will I have a stable job?
Will
I ever work abroad?
When
can I help my family financially?
It
frustrates me Lord… knowing that I'm reaching for 30, 5 years from now, and still
as I look at my life- sometimes Lord, I wonder what are Your plans for me….
It’s
as if…”this waiting process” is making me doubt that You do have wonderful plans for
me...
And
yet… as I look at what I’m doing in my life now Lord- the lack of zeal, the
lack of faith- these are ruining my hopes...
I
do know that You are working Lord… but sometimes “darkness, gloominess,
faithlessness” overwhelms me…
I
am not “doing” anything and it frustrates me... I am not helping myself to go
beyond my limit, my capacities- to reach beyond my dreams and see it all come
true- through hard work, passion, enthusiasm, zeal, faith and joy.
I
allow myself to be in this “state” Lord… but still…. At the back of my mind and
from the bottom of my heart- I know that You are here with me. Even in the
darkness, You are here with me.
You
can see me and know my struggles, my frustrations, and my disappointments- most
particularly in myself, everything Lord that is happening to me…
The
silence from You Lord from all of my questions- keeps me in doubts and fears
Fear
that maybe all my plans are not Your plans for me..
Fear
for the future, for tomorrow...
Fear
that You will not satisfy anymore of my desires, wishes, dreams…
Even
if I would not tell You everything what's in my heart and my what my thought speaks- YOU KNOW.
And
Lord, I cry out to You... but silence was the only answer.
It’s
watering down my patience and my joy.
And
I don’t want to continue in this state Lord…
Though
I have so many questions and fears and doubts… still only to You I could run,
only You shall I seek, even though You don’t seem to answer. Only to You I
could cry out my loneliness, my anger, and all these “feelings”.
Because
You are still my God.. Who never change.
You
are still my God- yesterday- today- tomorrow.
God,
I thank Thee, that You are my God- when everything else seems wrong and
confusing. When everything else seems gloomy and dark and where I look for the
right directions, and path and light.
Even
when I’m in darkness Lord- You are with me…
And
I am now comforted for that Truth- Your truth- knowing that even though You
don’t seem to answer- You hold my hand right now and continue to love me, continue
to bless even- even a lot of times I didn’t seem to bother or care to see and
look…
Tonight
I utter my petitions, my thanksgiving, my heartaches, my requests- And You will
hear me and in Your will- You will answer my plea…
May 31- devotion (excerpt)
There is one thing I know of that can give me rest and peace. It is to know that Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, who bore my sins “in His own body on the tree”, has forgiven me. It is to be believe and know that because He loved me and died for me, I am clear of accusation. Then, conscious as I am of my weakness and failure and my lack of power to live a worthy of the name, I am again driven back to Him. It is only from Him and the power of the Holy Spirit that He imparts that I can be made more than a conqueror.… it is always and only in Christ that I find satisfaction. It is only in Him that my problems are solved. The world with all its methods cannot help me at the moment of my greatest need. But Christ never fails. He satisfies always in and in every respect.
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