I RETREAT

December 31, 2007

Our CI has just ended yesterday… and I was filled with overwhelming weariness, I was filled with joy and then burdened in serving the 157 youths, I was filled with sorrow and heartaches.

It is saddening to know, that most of what I felt and feel was heartache. I love God and I/ we -tried our best to serve Him faithfully, but it gave me a breaking heart.

I was expecting a transforming, life-changing CI for us all, and I don’t know if I were.

All I can think about is DISCOURAGEMENT, SO BIG that I know I am failing God. So BIG, That I decided to surrender what God has given my faith a “challenge”. I am a FAILURE, I am a COWARD, that when hurt too much, I’m the first to quit. Maybe because I was not born a fighter, all I could do was turn my back and be silent.

I know I failed people around me, my co-officers. They said they have hoped in my leadership. But even I cannot trust that anymore, I am not qualified to be leader. I am not qualified to be the last of all and servant of all. I am so tired and hurt, na alam kong hindi sapat na dahilan para mag-give up... but I asked the Lord, at nagpaalam na ko. So deep was the HURT that even my commitment and service for the Lord was changed and failing.

I know that He wants me to learn from this experience, and now I have seen how WEAK I am as a servant of Christ. I have even seen that I couldn’t no longer stand, without Him who continually gives me strength and I have seen how great His mercy and grace on me.

I have so many struggle in this “servanthood”, that the only thing I know for now, is to QUIT.

God is ALL-KNOWING, and He knows my heart. It breaks my hearts that I chose to no longer be with my execom servants, that for the next year, I could no longer be with them in their struggles. It breaks my heart to say that I gave up first.

Father, I am sorry that I failed You, I am sorry that I am a WEAKLING, na konteng unos lang ay naduduwag at nag-gi-give up na ako. Maybe my heart got tired, maybe because my faith was shattered.

Father as much as I want to serve You, I know I am not worthy to be called by You. In these times of sorrows, doubts, failures, heartaches, I asked Thee Lord, to heal me, and change my heart.

I want to rest in the shadow of Your wings. Only You can CHANGE my HEART O Lord.

Forgive me Father, if I gave up the race towards my faith. But I believe that you have beautiful plans in my life, despite of what is happening to me Lord.

My life is in Your hands O Lord. I could still be praising You, my God, my refuge, and my strength.

Warrior Is A Child

- Gary Valenciano Lately I've been winning battles left and right But even winners can get wounded in the fight People say that I'm amazing I'm strong beyond my years But they don't see inside of me I'm hiding all the tears [CHORUS] They don't know That I come running home when I fall down They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while Cuz deep inside this armor The warrior is a child Unafraid because his armor is the best But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest People say that I'm amazing I never face retreat But they don't see the enemies That lay me at his feet  [CHORUS] They don't know That I come running home when I fall down They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while Cuz deep inside this armor The warrior is a child They don't know That I come running home when I fall down They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and look up for a smile Cuz deep inside this armor (deep inside) Deep inside this armor Deep inside this armor The warrior is a child